Alright, this post is going to be a little different from usual. I haven’t really spoken out just about life in general for a while now, so I just wanted to speak out for a little bit to “relieve some tension within myself” that has been cooped up for a while now.
A couple of months back, I had been through a faze in my life (which I am not proud of) and the worst part is, I had to deal with it alone. No friends of mine knew about it because I had kept it to myself, and I know look back and constantly tell myself “What the f*** was I thinking?!” It was then I realised that the situation I was in didn’t allow me to speak up and share with other people.
If you hadn’t guessed already YES it does involve a guy and YES it does involve me not being with the person any more. This happened for more than one reason. The main reason was because he (and for now we will call himmmmmm Jack…whatever!) had ‘apparently’ met someone else who could do what he asked for, unlike me. I knew for a fact that we were going to go our own separate ways eventually but honestly, I thought that I was going to be the one to say it, not him.
This was because, in the last couple of months before the breakup, I gradually became aware of the fact that I was not returning the feelings that he was flinging at me. Slowly, my heart didn’t start racing when I was around him, and I felt forced most of the time to act in a certain way.
I wasn’t being myself. And eventually, I just wanted to give up trying.
Relationships was something I always believed to be effortless. Something that came to you naturally. The way you act, the way you talk and the way you think shouldn’t be affected unless it is for a positive reason (such as a bad habit or something).
So, when I became aware of this, I knew that sooner or later, he would realise that too. But, never would I have thought that he would do it since he acted the same around me.
It was not until we went our separate ways that I truly never knew him. Let me explain.
Jack (lol, this feels weird ><) to me always seemed on edge, but I thought that it was just him. That he always seemed stressed, maybe due to the workload he gets at TAFE, who knows? However, what I discovered after the relationship was that he was on edge for one reason, and one reason only.
He was hiding something – a HUGE secret.
Now, I may be making this a big deal right now but please, hear me out.
Before we started going out, we expressed a lot of things that we wanted the other to fulfil for us, and make promises that were possible to keep. He asked me never to go out somewhere late at night without him, never to drink unless he was around, and wished that I would share a lot of new experiences with him (romantic huh?) I agreed, and even now, I have never went to a club, or bar before, nor have I ever went out to just get smashed and drunk.
In return, I asked him one thing, and one thing only. Never, ever smoke.
It was that simple. My father smoked for twenty years prior to my birth. Years later, due to that time period, my father developed cancer and passed away when I was just 15. So, anything to do with smoking becomes a very sensitive topic to me. I had already lost someone to it; I didn’t want to lose another. Jack knew this, and thus promised to never get into it.
We pinky-promised, and agreed to fulfil each other’s wishes.
I made this promise a really big deal, and I committed to it like it was a contract of some sort. I could do everything he asked of me yet, he couldn’t.
And that is why he was so on-edge throughout our entire relationship.
He had been smoking behind my back this entire time.
I was furious when I found out. There was no way I could have stayed calm about it. His friend (who I found out from) said that he would only dare smoke outside of TAFE – never at home since he feared the smell would be left at home. He even only smoked a couple a week, to ensure the smell didn’t remain pungent when I went to visit him.
He took the fact that we didn’t live close, and that we went to different educational institutions, to his advantage and played around with me for months.
I was heartbroken. Simple as that.
I was devastated, and to be honest, I still am sort of. I have dealt with people who have kept things behind their backs before, and that hurt like hell. But this, this was just as painful. For someone I trusted, cared and loved, this was absolutely unforgivable.
And still to this day, I have not seen him since.
He tried contacting me days after the breakup, wanting us to be together again. Apparently, the chick he was with just used him to get another guy back (this is starting to look more and more like a bad k-drama lol) and he regretted his decision to leave me. However, despite this whole scenario, he still didn’t mention about it. He feigned ignorance when I had asked him the big question:
“Jack, do you smoke?”
There was pause on the other line. After a couple of seconds, he said with a strained voice:
“No, what makes you think that I do?”
After he said the words, I hung up. He called back numerous times after that, but I didn’t bother picking up. I just prayed a huge thank you that he doesn’t know where I live, and neither does his so-called “friends” (okay, now that I think back, this whole entire incident was something totally copied out of a k-melodrama, except I don’t commit suicide afterwards rofl).
And so, from this experience I had learnt a lot. About people, and feelings and most importantly, about myself.
I realised that in this world, sometimes there really is only one person you can depend on – yourself. If you don’t begin to love and discover who you are, then life is going to become a never-ending hell for you.
Don’t allow others to shape you into a way that they would like you. If you love yourself for who you are, then what else matters?
I’m currently still on that journey of discovering myself, no matter how cliqued that sounds. As I go through my day-to-day life, I continue to discover new things in life that I love and make more moments memorable for myself.
And so, I guess this is what many would understand as “living life”. On a final note, I want to end with a quote by Ella Wheeler Wilcox:
“There is no satisfaction that can compare with looking back across the years and finding you’ve grown in self-control, judgement, generosity, and unselfishness.”
I do believe that this quote speaks volumes about how one should approach life, and it’s a quote that I will continue to be reminded of and achieve.
Love you guys so much for reading, and I will catch up real soon with some more positive posts.
❤ Yami Hyunnie ^^~