Every year, I try to make a personal post around the time of my birthday to re-evaluate myself and reflect on the year as myself in life and not only the Hyunnie known on Asia Reviewer Maniac.
Much like last year, fears and worries still exist for little me, and so this post still presents itself today. If you want to check out what I wrote this time last year, check it out here.
Today I turn 22, and looking back on my first year as an adult in 2016…was indeed a tough one. Last year around this time, I worried over finishing my final year of university, and venturing forth into the workforce as a graduate. To enter the workforce as a serving adult to society, to contribute something to the community.
Looking back at them, I can see that I did have much to fear. However, seeing that I have survived it all with very decent marks and results, I couldn’t be more proud of myself. Yet, those other fears regarding employment, teaching and whether it was the correct decision re-enters my mind.
Seeing myself now, sitting in front of my laptop, typing this post away with a complete degree yet with no job, no foreseeable future and no defined route to take…It is all frightening. Yes, in 2016 I have achieved much more than I had anticipated, but now after reaching the end of that tunnel, I’ve reached a dead end. Instantly I think of that Pocahontas song one of my best friends always sings: “Now where do I go from here?”
Indeed, where do I go from here? After experiencing over 4 months of teaching, and 6 months of uni, I’m almost drained and sick of the education system. It’s a system that saps the energy out of you, and refuses to return it. The main reward I felt from it all was that at the end of the day, I had made a difference to a child’s life, one way or another. I became extremely attached to my kids at the high school I completed my practicum at, and vice versa I sensed that the kids found it hard to let me go just as much.
But, am I tempted to go back to the classroom anytime soon? Sadly enough, no. As much as I loved my kids, and I had an amazing support network at the school, everything else about it was hell. The politics within the school, being taken advantage by my supervising teacher and facing numerous classes by myself for months has left a deepened scar upon my heart that will take time to heal. The dilemma I had with my supervising teacher though was by far the one thing that made my experience horrible to endure on a daily basis. To see that person, knowing what they were doing was wrong and still continuing to perpetuate such unfair behaviour was pure injustice to both myself and the students. Never again do I hope to work again with such a person…but the saddest and most horrific thought is that such a person exists everywhere, anywhere.
That is perhaps the biggest deterrent to my current pursuit in teaching. I would just hope that one day when my peers have found teaching jobs as well, that we can work together to rebuild this broken and flawed system to something that is decent and at least functions. But hey, what can I, a blogger on the internet, do? Only time will tell whether I will be capable of making a difference, somewhere.
Trust me, like I mentioned last year, never do I regret studying as a teacher for a second. I knew it was the correct decision at the time, and still now. But, taking such a job requires me to be the best I can be, and become a role model for all students to adopt and respect. I need to reform myself, to try and better myself before I can have the decency to teach them anything.
2016 felt like 5 years crammed into the one. So much had happened, yet I have to keep reminding myself that 2017 has only just started; there is still a very long way to go before I can even consider giving up. I know that teaching is a passion that I have, that making a difference for students is something I strive to do always, but for now re-entering the classroom is a very daunting fear that I have, and would like to place a raincheck on until further notice. For now, I’m focusing finding a job that is somehow education related (I’ve got a job interview on Monday; wish me luck!) and to try and place these responsibilities further under my belt.
For now, I will focus on creating a better life for myself and my family. I will try to not continue to be a burden to them, and instead contribute and make myself a better person. For not just everyone else, but for mostly my own self. Just like I said last year, remember that this world is yours for the taking, and to remember that this life is only what you make it. Do something that you would be proud of. You are the one in control, and you are the one making the rules. Although my current plan and goals are at a blank, I hope to fill them soon so that I can start a new chapter of my life; life away from the education system that I must abide to.
I hope you all are having a wonderful day/night, and I wish you all the best for 2017!
❤ Hyunnie ^^~